Le sigh.... going through the motions....

So. A brief overview of what's been going on before I jump in and "LOSE MYSELF" in this so-called therapeutic blog. I'm in Charleston visiting family/friends. I came down last Thursday and have honestly had such a great time being here. Typically coming home when Trent is out to sea is very difficult for me. I miss being in our home where his stuff is and where the pictures of us have vomitted all over our walls... However, this time around, it's been relaxing, helped pass the time, and has been healing for the soul. We plan on staying for a few more days before it's back to reality, but I see another trip very near in the future for the Parrish Family.

Ah. Home Sweet Home.

That being said, DEPLOYMENT SUCKS. I'm completely OVER it, and we aren't even halfway there... I know. I am just having a bad day and this too shall pass. But right now in this moment - I REALLY wish I could throw something at that IRON VESSEL. Okay - maybe not, but if I could dream it, that would be fantastic. Or how about this for starters, I'd just like a good dream. I haven't slept good in over a MONTH. I'm exhausted, sad, and REALLY hangry. My mother has been a godsend. Just having her help the past few days has been almost life changing. Oh what would I do with out my MOM?! 

Trent, 

The days are sllloooowwwwwly dragging by. As I sit here and type through the tears, all I can see is your SHAVED head in my mind. You have officially been gone longer than you ever have before. I don't even know why I cry anymore. I know it's my reality that you aren't here, you won't be here, and it's just life right now. I know its "sad", and somedays I just can't help but cry. It's unbelievably frustrating. I cannot wait to live a "normal" life where trying to get pregnant is fun, deciding what's for dinner becomes a problem, flipping a coin to decide what we do for the weekend is the result of an argument (lol), watching you fall asleep just before your show starts because you are exhausted, and waking up to your alarm to go to work only to kiss you, help you out the door and fall back asleep before the twins wake up again. At least that's OUR normal. I have been thinking about you nonstop. I don't even know what time of day you are in, whether you are sleeping, working, doing paperwork, thinking about us.... This whole life is discombobulating. I think about you going to bed in your rack....alone. I just want to hold you, squeeze you tight and remind you of how great of a man you truly are. You are so loved, husband. So, so loved. I've really enjoyed being home this time around, yet hanging with our married friends down here is still hard. The questions suck. I hate that I can't truly explain our life/lifestyle in terms that they can understand. I wish so badly to come back with you by my side. You always make things easy. You take all my worries away. I haven't heard from you for a while now, which means I won't for a LONG while now. I miss the thought that the next time I hear you, much less communicate with you is months away. I cannot wait for that day. Small victories lead to greatly won battles, right? Isn't that what you told me...? Ok, it was something like that. I'm snuggling up to your shirt tonight, it doesn't stink anymore =(, but I know you were the last one to be wrapped up in it and that makes all the difference. Even though tonight was a bad night, and the tears have fallen like a late summer rainstorm, I know tomorrow is a new day, and I cannot wait for it to start, good or bad. It's just one day closer to you. And that? That I am okay with. 

I love you. I miss you. Meet me in my dreams, sailor. I really need a good dream. ;-)

Your wife -

Mrs. Parrish

 

 

This song has been on repeat in my brain for days...

 

 

 

Being able to skype Trent - gah - just see him. Which by the way, Trent shaved his head. Upon seeing him for the first time via skype - All I could do was cry. I know that deployment is going to change us both and is changing us right now as well. I guess I just wasn't prepared to look at him with no hair.... I cried. And I cry every time his face pops up on that screen. With no hair. Anyway. I'm done with deployment. I'm done being sad, and putting on a front like everything is okay. We aren't even close to being halfway done with this deployment. Ugh. Blogging is getting harder. I feel most nights, I'm incapable of getting my true feelings. ideas, thoughts, etc out of my head/heart and on to paper (or in this case - the cpu screen)

So tonight, I leave you with this song, as it plays in my head....

 

I love you husband, friend, and keeper of my heart. I miss you even though I'll skype you again soon....

 

Mrs. Parrish

 

Tonight I am filled with so many different emotions. I've been able to "Skype" with him more than a few times in the past 24 hours. The wifi connection is crappy - when we "video chat", I can hear him, yet he cannot hear me - the picture's fuzzy - and we get disconnected more than we are able to connect. But the moment that man's face comes on that screen, and I see that sweet smirk - I can't help but smile and melt back into my chair. It doesn't matter that he can't hear me - It doesn't matter how long the picture lasts - that moment will always be worth it time and time again. The last few days leading up to the last 24 hours - were .... ROUGH. When Trent is away, it seems that when S*#& hits the fan - the fan is on Nascar speed and in a flash, it looks like monkey's playing in their poop. (Ok- maybe a little too vivid...)

I'm so lucky to be so in love. I'm beyond blessed to have found the ultimate soulmate. I can't believe "hero's" truly do exist. As Mills' likes to say: "My daddy, he is da 'soopa-hero'. He and his big 'ole sub-mawine." I agree.... such a smart boy. We didn't even put these idea's in his head - just one day out of nowhere ... ah. sweet boy. Smart boy.

As hard as it is to see him, and not be able to touch him, kiss him, my word - just SMELL him -(Nevermind the stinky, smelly NWU undershirts I've been sleeping with for weeks. That boat smell is beyond delicious at this point.) I will always take the crappy skype 'dates'.

I know my thoughts are random and somewhat insignificant to most of those probably following along with me in this journey. Trent asked me to blog tonight - and this was the end result. In conclusion, I'm relieved, I'm exhausted, I'm blessed, and I am loved by someone that even in my wildest dreams could have dreamed up....

Mr. P - I know our conversations have consisted of alot of tears, emotions, laughing, and well, let's face it more tears in the past 24 hours. I love you so much. I'm so proud of you. And before, I destroy our computer with these salty tears, let me say - that I will always be here waiting for your safe return with the biggest smile on my face, decorated with mascara droplets (of course), and a heart that beams with pride and undying love. OH MY WORD. I love you!


Me. <3

He truly is always there when I need him the most. I'm the luckiest girl in the world.

 

 

 

Heard his voice, reassured by his love, and holding onto his heart.

 

 

 

 



Just another day in paradise.... lol

Trent McCary Parrish. 

Today, was a day. A bad day. One of plenty more that are to come, I am sure. Today I missed our companionship. I missed you not coming home from work today, in those "stank" NWU's. I missed you taking off  your work boots and socks and leaving them throughout the living room floor. I absolutely hate it when you don't hang your uniform's up and I end up picking things up behind you, night after night.... Oh and the towel. (What is it with guys and hanging up their towels?!) I missed you falling asleep JUST after you'd finished your dinner. Most of all, (and completely off track from the routine I'm describing) I missed being able to run through my horrible, no good, very bad day with you. Today SUCKED. Of course I went through my "process" of being angry with you, then being sad, then being frustrated and now.... just, ugh Blah.  It's just one of those days where the "prayer" gets recited through my head more than one time.

I couldn't have imagined a more stressful day, filled with more bull-crap than today. I definitely didn't wake up expecting this to have been my reality. Drama, exhaustion, a failed attempt (twice) to the gym, etc.... I'm proud to say this day is over and I didn't sell any children to the gypsy's, my head is still fully intact and on straight, even though I have a headache - Vitamin "M" was able to recover the damages, and I'm pretty sure tomorrow could NOT get any worse than today was..... (knock on wood) I'm going to bed, leaving today exactly where it is and moving on, and listening to your heart inside of mine telling me - - "It's okay, it's over, let it go..."

I miss you. I miss you more than I am possibly able to describe. I long to hear your voice, hold your hand, even just talk the 'weather'. I'm not mad at you anymore. HA! By the time, you read this - it will be weeks later and you won't even have known. One of the many perks of deployment. ;-) Although this post is short and scattered, I'm not quite ready for the full on "break-down" post that is clearly upon the horizon. Get ready, peoples. It should be interesting! 

I miss you, friend. Tomorrow will be better. We are one more day closer to being done. I'm proud to be your wife, even on the bad days. 

Mrs. Parrish

Strength

Obviously, I have been pretty busy the past few days and haven't had the time to 'post'. It really isn't that I haven't had the time - more of, that when the time comes, I'm exhausted. Like, I got in the bed with socks on, never took them off, and passed out with them on, kinda tired.. If  YOU can sleep with socks on your feet, we have bigger problems than originally considered. (I just shuttered in disgust.) It's always easiest for me to be busy when T leaves. The days pass by quicker than the norm when my schedule is filled. HOWEVER, the lack of sleep has killed me. I'm literally sitting up straight in bed as I type this. (Shaking my head) - Have mercccy.  Email was non-existent this past week. However, by the weekend, I started recieving a few here and there.

I honestly believe that one of the hardest things about a deployment is gearing up and getting ready for the seperation. The emotional roller coaster of "what's to come" and "how will I feel", "did I get everything taken care of - for him, for me, for us, for the kids, for the house, the bills, the Power of Attorny", "am I mad at him?", "why him, why us" .... etc...  This time was so HARD for me. From the moment we found out he was deploying until the day he left, I was like a ticking time bomb. My poor husband, now that's LOVE. Nothing about a deployment is easy. EXCEPT for the HOMECOMING. That WILL be easy. I'm confident in that. This job, a military spouse, is not for the weak. It requires a strength like no other.  A strength, when at times when preparing for this deployment, I wasn't sure I possessed. I know I'm a strong woman, but how strong? There are even moments now, when that strength seems to be missing.

Yesterday, towards the end of the day - I started to get that feeling. You know, that feeling, girls. The one deep down in the pit of your heart, when you aren't sure if the tears are going to surface or not. It takes your breath away and you instantly feel alone, helpless, and in dire need of a good helping of good chocolate. Well, I can't have chocolate right now, cause I'm trying to be the BIGGEST LOSER! So I went through the card pile that Trent left for me, for specific moments like this.

"For you and the kids before bedtime"

"When the weather has you down"

"Open when it is raining"

"When you are feeling Patriotic"

"When we feel worlds apart"

"When you find yourself counting the days"

"When you need to feel our bond"

Just a small note insert from one of my cards...

This is just a small dose of some of the encouragement that Trent left me. And it really does help. You know you have a problem when in the midst of your breakdown , you don't know which card to pick to "pick you back up". I know, I know. First world problems. However. I decided that a card wasn't going to help, the book would just intensify the situation. So I called for help. HA! If you don't have a best friend like mine, the you are truly missing out. Within minutes, she had me laughing and missing her all at the same time! She reminded me that being strong doesn't always meankeeping a straight face and going about my day . Allowing tears, and heartache is just as strong as pushing through it. Sometimes its being told from someone from the outside looking in to realize that. Not only did I get my pick me up during that phonecall, but later that evening she posted on my facebook wall - I know, facebook junkies. This is what she  posted:

I have to agree.

Doing my 'thang' right now, and choosing to be strong. It may not be the only choice I have but it is the only choice I'm taking.

Trent, today/tonight it's just as simple to say that I love you. I miss you. And I can't wait for this to be over.

<3 me.

Out with the old - In with the New...

Change. Whew. There has been alot of change occuring in the past couple of days. Obviously the biggest (so far), Trent deploying. But I totally cut my hair yesterday. 5 Inches, lots of layers, freshened up my side bangs... I went from a blunt, straight cut to funky fresh. I cannot wait to skype the hubs - for his honest opinion. (On a humorous side note: In last night's 'nightly' email to T, I absolutely told him I chopped ALL my hair off. I made it seem like it was completely drastic. Whenever that broken system delivers that email - he's gonna FLIP! This man is obsessed with my loooooong hair, and I can't blame him, I like it too. I am always on the edge of my seat for an email but ever since I sent that imparticular one - I'm about to die! Cannot wait to hear his response!)

 I have/am starting a Biggest Loser: Deployment Edition group amongst our FRG. I have been steadily going to the gym for a while now, however, Today? Good lawd. I got on that elliptical and I owned it. In my head, I saw a 130lb woman - strong and tough - tearing up that machine. I acted like I had been doing this for months - like I was the trainer. LOL. I got a fantastic workout in, needless to say - tomorrow's probably going to suck. I'm changing the way I look. I'm ready to fit into my skinny jeans. I made an eye appointment for new glasses at the end of the week -"help me, Tom Cruise, Help me - Oprah Winfrey". And let's hope I choose a 'classy' pair of spectacles. I even took over and rearranged a friends living room today. She was such a trooper. AND I managed to buy an oversized easy chair for the living room from her - that matches perfectly - that I have been looking for, for what seems like forever.

I am engulfed in the essence of change. I love it. And I'm kinda scared. I typically almost always have marched to the beat of my own drum, but lately that drum is beating a bit more sassy and free than usual! There is nothing else to attribute this too, other than deployment. That - or I'm getting really close to turning 30 and my inner adolescence is fighting back. However, It's happening and I'm embracing it! Let's just all hope that I don't go insane and get my nose pierced or something!

Today, on Facebook, (Duh.) I came across this:

Yep. That about somes up the way I feel tonight.

Mr. Parrish,

I wish I could say I'm sorry for pulling your leg about my haircut - but come on, I got a very needed laugh out of it all. And let's face it, sometimes you just need a good laugh. Thank you for giving me the chance to embrace change in my life. Even though this situation isn't ideal nor desired; I will more than likely never have to do it again. Amidst, the loneliness, tears, sacrificed holidays, I see confidence to assemble furniture and make rash (but safe/responsible) decisions. I see FUN and excitement. I see a massive increase in my line dance knowledge. (wink-wink) I see growth in our marriage, a thinner me with a better haircut, and fantastic *red peacoat* (whhhhhhat!)  at the Homecoming. I told you, I was getting sassy. Ok.... Sassy-er. I'm off to bed - this was a late night post - which as you know is not out of the usual for me. Missing you like crazy tonight. Wish you were here, for all the craziness. <3

I love you.

Mrs. Parrish