Deployment: the distribution of forces in preparation for battle and/or work.
I will be writing this for the sole purpose of communication with my husband, Trent. It is my goal to post daily if not more than once a day, depending on how the day unfolds. Bear with me, as sometimes this will be written straight to him, and others, as a journal. I am willingly putting my heart, feelings, emotions, and daily progress in a very public forum - in hopes that somebody somewhere can have something to read and relate. Gearing up to deployment, reading other's blogs and doing research helped "prepare" me for as much as you can "prepare" for a deployment. Without further adieu....
(Deep Breathes) So. It's been more than a few days since you left. I couldn't stand to start writing right away. Trust me, those first few days weren't blog/journal worthy. I wouldn't have wanted the fly on the wall to know how exactly those first days were. Standing on that pier, saying what felt to be our last goodbyes indefinitely at the time, and watching you walk away (just typing this out takes my breath away) is not one of the hardest things I've ever had to do - IT IS the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I've lost my dad to cancer, been robbed - kidnapped, even - pregnant and alone with TWINS.... the list goes on and on. Watching the man you love walk away for duty is beyond difficult....UNLESS, the love between you two is bigger than the deployment itself. That day was so hard. The tears were inevitable after watching you say your sweet goodbyes to Eloise and Mills. Those small quiet moments in the car outside the pier so early that morning made me speechless. (For those of you that REALLY know me, know that is a very hard task to accomplish) The moments just kept flying by, so fast. Too fast. The next thing you know, we were standing in front of the last gate to the pier, clutching onto each other as if we weren't going to ever hold each other again. You turned walked through the gate, and proceeded down the pier, never looking back. At first, I was a little annoyed by that, and now? I am so glad you never did. I couldn't have watched you cry too. I watched you walk all the way to the sub - before moving from where I was standing. Never have I felt such pride and such heartbreak all in the same moment. I cried as the boat sat there for what seemed like days - Never trust a submariner's schedule; it will always change - and cried as you pulled away so strong and fierce, ready for whatever it is that called you away for duty. I won't go into how the rest of my afternoon went, but it was quite....epic. Needless to say, I decided a minor breakdown was on the schedule and I fully intended the schedule to be adhered to.
Side Story (for those of you who don't already know): Trent left me a box of gifts, gift cards, presents, candy, wine, a million hallmark cards, and.... a recorded storybook of our "love story" in his voice with pictures of us, telling our story through his eyes. He wrote me a "goodbye" letter and asked that I go home the day he left to find the book and read it. Well, I did. The whole time I am listening to this book, I talked back. He'd say I love you, and I'd say it back - and so on. Like a freaking loon. Sobbing like a NUTCASE. After I finished listening, I sat there for a minute, until sitting there wasn't enough. I threw the book on the floor and started cursing him. "TRENT PARRISH - WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!" LOL.... It's funny now, but then, woooo-weeeeee. I'm glad no one was there to witness that moment. Long story short, the book went to the top of the fridge and stayed there until the next day. I woke up the following morning, made my coffee, sat at the kitchen table - caught a glimpse of the book, and absolutely couldn't resist myself. I cautiously opened the book, and pressed the first button. I made it through the entire book with a ginormous smile on my face. ---- I love you husband, and you know me too well. You knew I'd need to hear your voice, you knew I'd need that comfort, that special moment - just you and me - whether it's over coffee, a glass of wine, when I'm sad, or just headed to bed for the night. I couldn't be more blessed to be your wife and hope that you feel my love right now, where ever you are in the world.
It's been more than a few days, and I'm finally ready to talk about it. My mind knows this is only a piece of our lives and the time is relatively short in the time span of what some deployments can be, but my heart tends to think that it is astronomically much longer than I am capable of. I am starting to consider every day that comes to an end is one more day closer to you. That is helpful - even though 1 day to almost two-hundred days - - SUCKS. Today was overcast and rainy, and it's finally starting to hit me that you won't be here to cuddle when it gets cold. I cook WAY to much for one person and leftovers are going to be the death of me. For the first time, since leaving Charleston and moving here, I feel home here. I am more comfortable here - didn't think I'd ever say that, now did ya, babe? I've learned that living a Submariner's life - is going to make a WOMAN out of me. I've learned I CAN fix the cable box. Even as big as that spider was, I am capable of squishing it to death with every muscle in my body.
I miss you. There are no other words to say. My heart is aching for your return. When I lay down at night, and close my eyes, I can almost hear you breathing right next to me, telling me everything is going to be alright and we are one day closer to the finish line. I would do anything to hear your voice right now... So I guess I will pull that recorded book you made for me off the top of the fridge, close my eyes, and listen.
See you in my dreams... <3
