Le sigh.... going through the motions....

So. A brief overview of what's been going on before I jump in and "LOSE MYSELF" in this so-called therapeutic blog. I'm in Charleston visiting family/friends. I came down last Thursday and have honestly had such a great time being here. Typically coming home when Trent is out to sea is very difficult for me. I miss being in our home where his stuff is and where the pictures of us have vomitted all over our walls... However, this time around, it's been relaxing, helped pass the time, and has been healing for the soul. We plan on staying for a few more days before it's back to reality, but I see another trip very near in the future for the Parrish Family.

Ah. Home Sweet Home.

That being said, DEPLOYMENT SUCKS. I'm completely OVER it, and we aren't even halfway there... I know. I am just having a bad day and this too shall pass. But right now in this moment - I REALLY wish I could throw something at that IRON VESSEL. Okay - maybe not, but if I could dream it, that would be fantastic. Or how about this for starters, I'd just like a good dream. I haven't slept good in over a MONTH. I'm exhausted, sad, and REALLY hangry. My mother has been a godsend. Just having her help the past few days has been almost life changing. Oh what would I do with out my MOM?! 

Trent, 

The days are sllloooowwwwwly dragging by. As I sit here and type through the tears, all I can see is your SHAVED head in my mind. You have officially been gone longer than you ever have before. I don't even know why I cry anymore. I know it's my reality that you aren't here, you won't be here, and it's just life right now. I know its "sad", and somedays I just can't help but cry. It's unbelievably frustrating. I cannot wait to live a "normal" life where trying to get pregnant is fun, deciding what's for dinner becomes a problem, flipping a coin to decide what we do for the weekend is the result of an argument (lol), watching you fall asleep just before your show starts because you are exhausted, and waking up to your alarm to go to work only to kiss you, help you out the door and fall back asleep before the twins wake up again. At least that's OUR normal. I have been thinking about you nonstop. I don't even know what time of day you are in, whether you are sleeping, working, doing paperwork, thinking about us.... This whole life is discombobulating. I think about you going to bed in your rack....alone. I just want to hold you, squeeze you tight and remind you of how great of a man you truly are. You are so loved, husband. So, so loved. I've really enjoyed being home this time around, yet hanging with our married friends down here is still hard. The questions suck. I hate that I can't truly explain our life/lifestyle in terms that they can understand. I wish so badly to come back with you by my side. You always make things easy. You take all my worries away. I haven't heard from you for a while now, which means I won't for a LONG while now. I miss the thought that the next time I hear you, much less communicate with you is months away. I cannot wait for that day. Small victories lead to greatly won battles, right? Isn't that what you told me...? Ok, it was something like that. I'm snuggling up to your shirt tonight, it doesn't stink anymore =(, but I know you were the last one to be wrapped up in it and that makes all the difference. Even though tonight was a bad night, and the tears have fallen like a late summer rainstorm, I know tomorrow is a new day, and I cannot wait for it to start, good or bad. It's just one day closer to you. And that? That I am okay with. 

I love you. I miss you. Meet me in my dreams, sailor. I really need a good dream. ;-)

Your wife -

Mrs. Parrish